Today has been a tough day. Not because of anything that I could point out to someone where they would say "Oh, wow... that sounds awful." Just... tough. But, then, every day is tough anymore. Not just physically (I have a noticeable level of disability from Multiple Sclerosis) but mentally as well.

As far as my creativity goes, I deal with a pretty heavy level of procrastination. I have lived long enough with this never-good-enough perfectionist voice in my head (thanks, Dad) that literally *nothing* I do is good enough any more. My husband and my friends tell me I am nuts. Perhaps they are right.

I am in my head a lot. I spend quite a bit of time trying to figure out what it is that I want to do in a particular moment. I was a mom for so many years that when it came time for me to turn to myself and figure out what I truly wanted all I heard was the soulful, unintelligible sighing of a ghost. That just won't do, obviously, so my quest for the second half-century of life is to take care of and indulge ME. It seems like it should be pretty straight-forward, right? Not so.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching for the last couple of years. I have chosen a spiritual path that keeps evolving. I am not sure where it will end up. I feel like I am always just on the brink of some major realization... like what I seek is just on the other side of a door that I cannot figure out how to open. Heavy drugs? Sensory deprivation tank? I need to find that key. Perhaps I already carry it dangling and clanking from the key-ring I carry with me every day. Who knows.

I realized fairly recently that I have been spending my time and energy on something that doesn't feed me. I am doing it for my husband, for my friends... and there is much joy in that. I love them all very much and I enjoy helping them realize whatever it is that has driven them. But there are those moments in the middle of it that I pause and just stare off into the distance and realize that wherever it is that I am is not where I want to be. One solution to this conundrum would be to drop this life and disappear... take off. But that cannot happen. I am tied to this place with my husband and to sever those ties would take part of my soul with it.

=================

So... now to sewing and a direction I am going that has me excited again. I blogged forever many years ago... before marrying my husband. I taught myself HTML (back when it was just plain HTML), made lots of webpages and blogs. Then I got married... stopped writing... stopped blogging. Over the last 10 years, I have used mainly Twitter and Facebook. So.... now to be back to a journal-format blog *and* be able to connect it to Twitter and now Instagram (which I had purposely avoided). Just... wow. Facebook has become a sort of drudgery for me. Lots and lots of friends in that hobby that I get little joy from nowadays. Same stuff, same people, same topics... I just want to widen my focus. For example, I don't want to limit my historical sewing to 600-1600 A.D. How about some 17th and 18th and even 19th century stuff for a change??? But I am getting sidetracked.

As I posted a few days ago, I am participating in Bimble and Pimble's Sewvember Sewing Photo a Day Challenge for November 2015.



Since I came in on it late, I am posting to Instagram two days at a time until I am caught up. So far I have posted:
Day 6: Slow or Fast
Day 5: WiP (Work in Progress)
Day 7: Stash
Day 4: Inspiration

You can also see the slideshow of my photos in the Instagram feed at the bottom of the right sidebar on this page.

And, yes, that is the current state of my fabric stash. I ought to be ashamed. And, yes, that is an old school projector.